Ruzik
“Long-awaited baby
On a frosty March night in 1999, I felt sick. I was pregnant. My fourth child was being born. I was very excited because the birth was very much awaited. My husband had been involved in the war in the nineties and had suffered severe injuries, which had taken away the joy and happiness of my home. And here comes the new hope of our home, the new miracle that should change the gloomy lifestyle of us. And by the fate or by other powerful forces, I don’t know, my baby was born in a male body.”You had a boy”, said the doctor. To be honest, we wanted to have a girl more, but our wishes didn’t matter, because we had to embrace our baby with parental love and warmth.
Son, when you were just going to kindergarten, I’ve already noticed your differences, your features, your approaches. I also noticed that there were times when you were being bullied by your peers in kindergarten. I was worried, scared, terrified. I didn’t know how I can protect you, you probably remember that I was desperate. I could start a fight with anyone who was trying to offend you. I needed to always be with you and protect you. Then you started to go to school. I knew you were hiding a lot of things. Many times I have gone to school and asked questions to your teacher. The disgusting thing was that the teacher insisted that everything was great with you, that you were not being bullied, that you were communicating well. And I foolishly believed those lies. I apologize to you for not being able to be with you at that time, to know, understand what is happening to my baby. I don’t have enough words to explain what is going on in my heart when I remember it and imagine what you have gone through. I think it is very hard for all mothers to know that their baby was in need and that they were being told lies.
I was very proud of you. You were distinguished by your behaviour, grades, and perception in the classroom. I was coming out of parents meetings with great expectations for the future. I knew I was raising a good person, a person fit for humanity, but I didn’t know that that person was hiding a large part of the reality from me that I would know years later. I felt that there were disturbing things for you, I felt, I saw that you didn’t fit in with this society, I saw you adapting western ideas for your goals and dreams , because you knew that it is safer for you. I didn’t understand it. I did not ask myself why a student who hated German became very interested and persistent in learning that language. In fact, you were doing it for your own safety. And I still didn’t understand anything. You’ve graduated from school, your goals and dreams have set you on the path of translator. You already knew what you wanted. You only needed us to be by your side. You’ve been accepted to the university. In the first half of the studying year you’ve already started to miss classes, and you didn’t explain that not to us, not to your lecturers. My heart was exploding. I felt a danger, a great danger that you might be in. I have already lost my mind, I didn’t understand anything, it had become a necessity for me to know where my eighteen-year-old son was going. It was uncertain. In one moment I just felt that you were starting to get depressed so I stopped asking because that stress could affect your lessons. I had become silent. But my heart continued to burst with anxiety.
The months went by and it seemed that everything had fallen into places. You were studying pretty well. I was pleased and happy. Until… in July you told me you were going to go to the province of Syunik, to spend some time with friends. You have had many such short-term visits, and this should not be any different. We wished you good luck and you went… On August 4, I read the news that LGBT activists were beaten in the province of Syunik. I knew you were good to these people, but I didn’t know… After several hours of receiving your call, I was convinced that you were one of those young people. Oh God, they’ve tried to kill my baby hours ago, and I was sitting quietly at home. I can’t forgive myself. No matter how hard you tried to lie about how you’ve got hurt and injured, I wouldn’t believe it. I was counting down the seconds when that taxi will take me to you and I will get back with my kind, smart, and willing baby. I kept all that in my head, not wanting to show my anxiety to your father and brother.
You came back ... I wish I was blind and didn’t see the bruises on your face, other parts of your body. The more you tried to hide them, the more they were visible for me. I couldn’t wait anymore, I wanted to know the truth. But I decided to give you time. I left you for a few hours to think. And in the evening I came to you. I already knew what we would talk about. But for me at that moment your face was more important, which was still bleeding, and you had many other injuries, and a soul that was hurt too. You have already taught me, my child, that there are different people in the world. If I’m not mistaken it was Evtushenko’s poem “There are no uninteresting people in the word”. I’ve already known that not all people have same desires and ways of thinking. Thats what you taught me. And I have heard what I already knew, from your good, innocent lips. I knew: I knew from the time you were just going to kindergarten. I knew, my good friend.
After all, friends know each other well. I knew, but I was silent because I was scared, no, not for me, but for you, because you know too, what dirty thoughts, perceptions our society has. Sorry: Im sorry I’ve been with you for so long, but I didn’t understand what you needed. Sorry, you had to go through your classmates’ bulling, and I didn’t care enough to help you. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I can’t hold back my tears, I start to feel guilty when I think about what you have gone through, what you have seen. Sorry for my inaction. I have loved you, I love you and will always love you no matter whom you will live with. Thats not essential. For me, as your mother it is vital to have a happy child. As to where he will be, with whom and how, it’s your choice. I will be by your side already knowing exactly what you need to be happy.
I love you very much.”